instant gratification

not to be remembered

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 13:26:11 -0800

Now I know..
watching you cry.
Makes me cry too.

my totally unattainable christmas wishlist

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:10:53 -0800

because every girl has a right to dream.

S.T. Dupont, girly pink miniJet— $125

Christian Louboutin Feticha Pump— $695

Macbook Pro 15-inch (2.66GHz)— $1,999

Louis Vuitton Flight Bag Paname Takeoff (Red)— $2,180

Mercedes-Benz 2010 C 63 AMG— $57,350 (Base Price)

That car will be mine.

誰も知らない。

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:36:00 -0800

The three of us.

We’re so stupid, but I do love you. Perhaps your motives were different, but you thought of me, and helped me find closure. My revenge, your revenge. Your anger, your tears will not be forgotten. I feel a warmth and happiness through the sadness. A burden we can ease together and have a sigh of temporary relief. All this time, I didn’t think I was that important to you. I see it, I feel it. No secrets. I can sleep easier tonight.

sweeter sorrow, soothing sleep

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:21:12 -0800

Sleep blissfully, young babe, tightly wrapped blankets sewn with love and care, to protect you from the dark chills of the cold and sadness. Don’t worry of anything, there will be people who will watch over you while you sleep and will be there to dote on you when you wake. So sleep, let your imagination soar, dream of the unimaginable. Never feel sad, sweet child. There is someone in this world and always be someone who will give you their everything so you are never unhappy. There is nothing you cannot do, the world is your oyster.

All because they want you to grow up being an optimist, an opportunist, a delightful well-rounded person.

All because they don’t want you to become the regretful heartless person they are now.

my misery, your company

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:31:23 -0800

Once you fall out of love with something, it’s done. Over. Nothing will reignite that excitement and joy you had felt from the beginning and near-end. The darkness of resentment and hatred plagues the once good things, and everything becomes ugly. You hate it all, everything in sight, and your blood boils with venom.

I need a new life. I desperately need a way out of here. I wish I could just cry my eyes out, but the tears dry up from the anger. I want these vindictive and hateful feelings to go away, but they diffuse like a bomb, and I am left alone and miserable.

my parade

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 12:56:00 -0800

The first time, you’re scared. So you keep quiet, don’t tell a single cell what has happened to you. It’s only your nightmare to replay in your head over and over. Then time washes over your secret and heals it, just enough to get on with your life, to put your head up and feel the radiant sun beat upon your milky skin. Just enough to make you smile. Barely enough to make you forget and realize the scar that has been left on you.

The second time, you’re still scared. But much less than embarrassed. You are incredibly embarrassed because you are once again in this stupid scenario. Crippled in shame, you are just confused how to go about this. You would expect time to heal, hoping that the recovery will be speedier because you have been through it already and the scar to appear minimal as well. This time you tell people the less offensive details of the subject, they try to console, but it makes you feel not better, but numb. Numb. Your fingertips, your lips, your chest, your toes, your head, your soul. The only thing racing is your heart because it is afraid, of you.

Feeling, unfeeling

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:45:16 -0700

There is nothing more tiring and worrisome than the feeling of emptiness. That kind of emptiness, not an empty stomach, or an empty house, or an empty bank account, an insatiable emptiness in feeling, in your soul. When you feel that kind of emptiness, you add filler to stuff the space hoping it will let you feel content, but it’s only filler. It keeps you content for so long, until you need more. And more. And more. Cheap thrills, booze, false quick companionship, meaningless dialogue, just to keep you busy and full for that moment. Then the night turns into day and you’ve gained nothing and you’re still empty. Running on empty, that lights been lit on the dashboard for so long. It’s scary how little miles are left until you will stop, stranded, shut down. And the next filler is nowhere in sight.

I remember.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:28:40 -0700

“Lo duca e io per quel cammino ascoso
intrammo a ritornar nel chiaro mondo;
e sanza cura aver d’alcun riposo,
salimmo su, el primo e io secondo,
tanto ch’i’ vidi de le cose belle
che porta ‘l ciel, per un pertugio tondo.
E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle.”

“My guide and I came on that hidden road
to make our way back into the bright world;
and with no care for any rest, we climbed
he first, I following until I saw,
through a round opening, some of those things
of beauty Heaven bears. It was from there
that we emerged, to see once more the stars.”

Dante, Inferno, Canto XXIV

restless

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:07:00 -0700

bitter orange

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 05:38:49 -0700

Tell me how cruel is it to like someone because he simply resembles your previous love. Is any of this puppy love real? Am I leading this poor guy onto something I’ll wake up in the morning regretting to?

I’m actually scared for once.

"spread, our codes to the stars"

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 05:18:37 -0700

frozen

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:42:15 -0700

I’m returning to you. Winter ‘09

I see fire!! DTLA, SEP 2009

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:14:00 -0700

I see fire!!

DTLA, SEP 2009

needy

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 04:37:00 -0700

I want someone to ~~love~~ care about me too.

And I need someone who needs me to ~~love~~ care about them just as much.

shutting out the night

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 05:13:00 -0700

I felt it coming. The storm clouds had moved in and shrouded the big sky. The sun concealed, there was no escape.

Suffocating. Tense.

Again, this game. We cannot continue this way. We cannot be together on our toe tips at a stalemate. Forcing ourselves to be happy when it hurts to be. I hate this game.

Synthetic. Hopeless.

Blue had become gray. I looked up into… nothing. The world had stopped breathing for that moment. The plants, birds, cars, people had ceased to move and make a sound. Why?

Breathless. Anxious.

The words spilling out of our mouths carry no truth, no tune. Do something to let me hate you. Stop talking about nothing, stop laughing at nothing. Ask us to start over. What for?

Unrequited. Wishful.

And all of us waited. For the release we had been wanting all this time. The rain to pour from the gloomy sky. The tear to fall that was itching our reddened eyes. And so we waited..

thoughtless

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:09:00 -0700

I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve to get upset, I don’t deserve to get angry, I don’t deserve to get stressed.

But people only look out for themselves and I try too hard to look out for others.
Just for once, just for a day, could anyone help me out? Ask me how to make my burden a little bit lighter?

No, of course not, because you only think of yourself.
And I need to learn how to become numb.

Party time!

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:08:56 -0700

Party time!

a typical rant about work

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 02:43:47 -0700

I am a firm believer that I wasn’t meant to work in the service industry.

wednesday

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:57:26 -0700

déjà vu all over again.

Feel like having a tea party.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:27:44 -0700

Feel like having a tea party.